Sunday, March 16, 2008

BALDING BY THE MINUTE!!!

Well people.....it's that time again in my life where I tear out large patches of hair from my head, chew my fingers down to the nubbs and grow a ginormous stress belly.
Another one of my off spring has decided to proceed with turning sixteen next month. No matter how huge an internal conniption fit I throw, she still insists on going ahead with it.

Next month one of my sweet little girls will be driving!!!!!!
Driving me insane that is!

I thought it would be a breeze when I taught my son to drive; Little did I know I should have worn adult diapers and taken a couple of those cute little pills before I left the house each time we went out.

It was truly one of the most disturbing experiences of my life and I LOATH having to do it again! LOOOOAAAATH IT! ...and then I have to do it again next year for 'thank the lord' the last of the brood! Honestly, I would rather feel the pain of childbirth for a month. I'll even give up the smorgasbord of drugs they so kindly provide! Can I still get some of those for this occasion? Okay, okay. I'll wait to take them after each lesson. Whaaaat? I'll have a designated driver! Sheeeezz! For those of you men who've never experienced child birth let's say, 'I would rather take a sledgehammer to the old egg pouch'.

Anyhow, not only is this wonderful child (who can barely walk without falling or stumbling into something painful), planning to operate a moving vehicle amongst unsuspecting drivers, pedestrians and possibly farm animals; she is also planning a Sweet Sixteen party to commence in a little less than a month.
I'm supposed to attend my 20 year reunion in August.
I am destined to look like something from The Hills Have Eyes!
At least I'll have something to come back here and vent about for the next couple of months.
PLEASE SEND ME SOME DRUGS! PLEASE!!!!!

Oh and a special shout out to my mom for the wonderful curse she put on me!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks a lot! Love you too!!!!
(YOU SHOULD BE SENDING ME SOME DRUGS!).

30 comments:

UBERMOUTH said...

If you think that is bad, wait until you are told your daughter is in labour, your son is marrying THAT slut.

Zoning Out Again said...

UGH!!! Are you trying to send me into cardiac arrest???? You're still convinced I had something to do with the Captain's disappearance and now you're trying to kill me!!! I’m too weak and fragile to even entertain those thoughts! Thanks for the blood pressure spike!! :0)

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the frogster said...

My 20 year is this year also. Oh, man. I am so friggin' old. You're not, of course, but I sure am. 20 years. 20.

Zoning Out Again said...

Oh you're still just a tadpole! :0)
We're still young! Let's enjoy our 20th. It's the 30th and 40th we'll be justifiably complaining about!

VE said...

My dad took me to the local cemetary to learn to drive. His thoughts were that there aren't a lot of cars, the residents don't mind, and if I really screw up, the location is convenient!

WMB AUTHOR said...

Hmmm! That's an idea!
I like to drop the kids off at the cemetary in the middle of the night so they can play hide and go seek!

I don't know about driving though.
Not with my car! There are too many things to drive into!

Theresa said...

Somehow, the thought of Catgirl behind the wheel of a car in just over three years would scare the crap out of me. Am I glad that over here kids can't drive until they're 18, which gives me five years to get used to the idea.

Our 20th was last summer. Obviously I didn't go. Too far and too expensive.

the frogster said...

I'll do my best, but my parachute pants feel a bit tight.

Jace Johnston said...

Great post. I'd love to send you some, what drugs do you want? Weed? Alcohol? Check out my latest post to see which one will help you out more:

Marijuana VS Alcohol: Throwdown

Zoning Out Again said...

Actually I was looking for something like Prozac.

UBERMOUTH said...

You are becoming one lazy blogger, Miss!

Sarah Brooks said...

Oh good! Something to look forward to! I thought things were going to get better after the terrible twos. Thanks for putting dread and terror into my heart for the next 14 years!

Found you on humor blogs! Glad I did!

Maddy said...

When I taught my now 26 year old to drive I had similar thoughts. My drug of course was wine in the evening and lots of deep breaths!
Cheers

Diesel said...

Hey, are you ever coming back?

Zoning Out Again said...

No!

Zoning Out Again said...

I kid! I'll be back, as soon as THE MAN sets me free from my shackles! :0) Why? Do you miss me???

Cunning_Linguist said...

Shackles? *ears perk up* Is that my que to come back and harass you now? My gum, I think it is! Shut up.... you missed me and you know it.

Zoning Out Again said...

I do miss you!!!! I miss everyone! I'm so enslaved these days! Until then I'll be over bothering everyone else including you! :0)

Cunning_Linguist said...

shackles...enslavement.... careful, I don't have the time to properly stalk you and we both know it isn't a job that should be done half-assed. Btw.... what happened to the good Captain?

Sue said...

Hey you 2 get a room.

Cunning_Linguist said...

Trying like hell to get her to do just that, Sue. If she ever decides to lower her standards, it may just happen. Until that day, I'd just consider this a long cerebral form of foreplay. :P

Zoning Out Again said...

Okay okay! I'm back for a sec.
I swear I didn't do anything to the Captain, no matter what you've heard!!!! Isn't it strange the way he just up and deserted us? At least I come back and comment my own posts. :0)

Cunning_Linguist said...

Maybe he just got sick of doing it and needed a break. Or perhaps he moved and is burdened down with a new job. New woman in his life? Hey, maybe he got a new job servicing new women all the time! I know for damn sure I wouldn't mess with the internet if that was the case. You know, tough economy and all. Looks like I'll have to step my game up a notch and make some brilliant posts to fill the void. I wouldn't get my hopes up if I was you though, folks. I truly suck. :P

Zoning Out Again said...

Stop it, you don't suck!
I don't know what happened to him! It bites though doesn't it? I was telling Uber that we should steal his stuff and repost it on our own blogs. That should make him come out of hiding!
:0)

Cunning_Linguist said...

I'm not above plagiarism, you know. I call dibs on the canteloupe sex toys.

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