Tuesday, July 31, 2007


If I were one of the 7 dwarfes, I’d be sleepy. Sleepy, because my husband refuses to sleep quietly. Is it too much to ask that someone keep their snoring in check? I’m usually a very mild mannered person. Nothing really gets to me the way that most things get to other people. People like my mother-in-law whom I’m sure unknowingly eats a healthy dose of chef saliva every time she goes out to eat. I don’t even want to go down the list of things that bother my husband resulting in stark raving lunaticisms. Likewise if I were to go through a list of things that certain people in my office find themselves easily annoyed about, we’d be here all day.

So this snoring thing is out of control. I can usually sleep through anything. ANYTHING! Or if I’m awoken by accident, it’s all good, I can easily go back to sleep with no problem. Unlike other people I know, who once they get woken up, they make everyone in the house pay. I’m not just talking about my husband. I’ll have to tell you about the camping trip I took with my mother-in-law and her sisters and how we were all forced to go to bed like 8 year olds because my mother in law needs absolute deafening quiet when she sleeps. One minute she was instigating a balloon fight and as soon as she decided it was over, “it was over and why the hell weren’t we asleep already”. She can be quite scary when she gets annoyed. Even the crickets were terrified.

Anyhow, nothing fazes me when I sleep, EXCEPT for snoring.
There is something about it that just makes me want to take a pillow and snuff it right out. I’ve tried everything from poking a knee into my husbands back, to rolling him over myself. Once, I’m ashamed to say, that I even punched him. (not hard, because it didn’t wake him, but just enough to get him to shift positions so the snoring would stop). When he snores he’s always in a sound sleep, but one time I punched him (Oh I already said I only punched him once, maybe it was a couple of times) and he woke up and said geez why did you hit me?
I played it off and said, “Oh, sorry I must have been dreaming about toilet paper sandwiches.” “what? Oh your talking in your sleep too.”

So the snoring still continues from time to time and I just can’t sleep through it. I'm normally nice as pie. The phone can ring at any given time when I’m asleep, say around 3 am and I'll drag myself to the phone, wiping the drool off my chin, eyes all pasted together (isn’t that a lovely picture) and I'll answer the phone and pull off the “No, I wasn’t asleep, you aren’t bothering me at all” in a happy stepford wife tone. I’m not a grouchy sleeper.
......UNLESS there's some snoring going on.

It doesn’t have to be my husband who’s uvula I want to snip out of his throat with a pair of large toe nail clippers, in the middle of the night. It can be the dogs too. Once I slept in a room with 4 other adults who were all snoring. It was surround sound snoring at it’s best and I wanted to kill that night! KILL THEM ALL!

I know, it sounds really callous and evil of me, but I’m sure that there are many of you out there who share my pain. All the tossing and turning, and sighing and punching in the world doesn’t make it any better does it. There must be a support group out there. SAS? Spouses Against Snoring. Let me know if you come up with any ideas before I KILL someone.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


The other day I was 'chillin' in my back yard with my daughter and our dog Max. As she was rubbing his belly, much to his delight, she pondered out loud “why do male dogs have nipples?” I replied “Well, human males have nipples too. Hmm, why do males have nipples? There’s really no purpose for them, right?”

My daughter is the female version of Cliff Clavin from Cheers, so I figured she would give me some long detailed explanation on the purpose of male nipples. Much to my delight at the time, she had nothing. It’s been a few days now and the question still flickers in and out of my head, as if I don’t have enough to think about.

So does anyone out there have a good explanation for what purpose male nipples serve? The question takes me back to that one time when God created Adam. You remember that time right? Anyhow, I wonder if Adam started out WITHOUT nipples…and then along came Eve.

In my mind, male nipples may have come about a little something like this:
(I’ve illustrated a cartoon for this, but I’m too busy these days to dig out the scanner).

Adam: Here ya go lord, here’s the rib.
God: Alright, let me see what I can come up with.
Adam: Hmm, cool. But she looks a little too much like me.
Isn’t there something you can do to make sure you can tell us apart?
God: I see your point. How’s this?
Adam: o000O00OH, Adam likie!
What are those? Ya know, I think I would like a set for myself.
God: No, I don’t think so.
Adam: I want em!!! I want em!!! I want em….
God: FINE! Poof~ There ya go.
Adam: Ohhh, they’re really uncomfortable.
God: Okaaaay How about….that?
Adam: Muuuuch better! Now what are they for again?
God: I was hoping you were going to tell me.
Adam: Hmmm. Can I have some wings too.
God:Your really pushing it!

And besides, it isn't YouTube it's JIBJAB. :0P

Sunday, July 15, 2007



Maybe I'm Paranoid?! I don't know if this happens to other people when they go out to dine but it does happen to me! After my food arrives and I am a 3rd of the way into it, whether I'm watching for the waiter/waitress to come back so I can ask for something else or not, they always seem to show up when my mouth is full.

I think IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!! In fact I know it is!

Haven't you noticed that they wait in the shadows and when your mouth is packed so tightly that you can barely close your lips together, they run over and ask "Is everything okay?" With a mouth stuffed like that it takes at least five minutes to finish chewing, swallow, and make sure there is nothing in your teeth when you answer.

Unlike some of the men on my husband's side of the family, I choose not to talk with my mouth full. So I miss out on whatever it was I may have needed. I look like a Boa Constrictor with half a small animal in my mouth. I always end up smiling and nodding to motion that all is well while trying to keep the contents from spilling out.

Of course, there is the real possibility that they are waiting for me to take a break but then finally give up. (hence the name *Waiter *Waiting on you *Waiting for you...to slow down and take a breath of air.)

NOPE! After years of watching this, I'm convinced that this is a tactic that all waitstaff use to get out of having to run back and forth.

What do you think?
(and don't tell me to take smaller bites!) :0P