SNOW DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and some new hair pics....

Have you checked out the new Humor-Blogs site yet? Diesel categorized all of our blogs and I found mine under 'Family'. So on that note, I won't feel guilty posting a little slide show of our snow experience out here in the North East these past couple of days. This is for all of my Cali peeps and basically any of you who don't get to experience this season. WE LOVE LOVE LOVE THE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Between all of the shoveling and hot cocoa we managed to get in a few snowball fights. Here is a small account of how we passed the time during last Thursday's storm.

What's In Your Bag?

Turn your volume up so you can hear me & click on the arrows at the bottom of the screen to navigate if you're impatient like I am. :0D If you're a Voicethread member, leave me a voice comment. If you aren't a member, check it out! Voicethread.com. Thanks for the heads up Joel of Crummy Church Signs





Check out what Theresa of The Rain In Spain has in her bag! And take a look at what Frogster carries in his pockets over at The Frog Bog

WOO HOO! I'M IN THE LINE UP!!!!

Even though I don't expect to win this one, I'm honored to be in the top ten!
I voted for myself which explains why I'm on the boards. Get over to Diesel's place MattressPolice and check out his caption contest. He's an amazing photoshop artist who super imposes himself into scenes and then people post their best caption submissions vying for a signed digital copy from the artist (no not Prince the Artist) and bragging rights with an "In Your Face" banner. The genius rigged the banner to bring the clicker back to his site.
I appreciate his blog pimping ways!
So get on over there and vote for your favorite caption. I'm partial to Crazy Aunt Bea from Central Snark Theresa from The Rain In Spain and Crummy Church Signs
Good Luck Everyone!

Opinion Polls & Market Research

NOPE...STILL HAVEN'T POSTED ANYTHING NEW

I'M PULLING A BRITTNEY!!!

Okay, maybe not as drastic as Brittney, and this is for a good cause.
I'm taking the girls and we're lopping off our hair for Locks of Love.
See all this hair?


It's all coming off in a couple of days! WOO HOO! I can't believe that people sell their hair instead of donating it to others in need! My hair grows fast so I'm just going to farm myself out! No that doesn't sound right, but you know what I mean!




Below is how it's going to look. I hope. :0)
I thought about going completely bald but winter is almost here! I also thought about piercing my cheeks. Have you seen that? It's so cool! If I were a full time artist, I would do it, but I doubt it will go over well in the Real Estate world.

I LOVE MY VERY FAR IN THE FUTURE FUNERAL HOME!!!!

Oh, it feels so good to take a break! Finally! Work is really going to kill me one of these days. Speaking of...I know this topic sounds really sick and twisted, but hey, what else can you expect from me? I just have to say that I have found my second to last final destination after I take the big old plunge.

I know, you’re thinking this topic might jinx me, but I’m writing it anyway.
I live a few blocks from this funeral home I’ve fallen in love with. Every time I drive by with my children in the car, I tell them ‘look everyone, it’s my funeral home. Wave!”
They think I’m demented. I call it being positive.

I must get it from my Mom. She and her husband purchased their plots already. They live in California and bought their plots in Chicago. After purchasing their plots during a visit, they took pictures of themselves standing on them, smiling and waving, then sent them to me! How sick is that? Pretty damn sick I tell you!

So here are a few photos of my funeral home. I don’t ask for much. I’m never materialistic, (my toilet paper fetish does not count). I never got the wedding of my dreams. (Either time). I didn’t get to buy my dream home. I could go on, but why be negative. My new goal is to be extremely positive, starting with looking forward to going out in style! I keep bringing this funeral home thing to the attentions of my family and friends hoping that someone will remember in 60 or so years that this is my dream funeral home. Isn't it beautiful? Go ahead...Click on the photos to enlarge them and get a good gander! Gander...where did that come from? I'm already talking like an eighty year old!


Even the hearse is beautiful.


The building is beautiful. The grounds are always beautiful.



If you’d like to start sending donations now, please do. Why wait until the last minute? People always ask for donations when someone dies don’t they? A little too morbid? Take a look at these photos and tell me you wouldn’t be just as excited.
I had always planned on being cremated, but if I could be put on display here, I wouldn't mind the thought of maggots later.

So here is my verbal wish online forever.
This funeral home, ballons, a picnic on the grounds, and a band. (no clowns please, unless they are from Cirque Du Soleil), pop corn and cotton candy.
HEY I GREW UP AS A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS AND I'VE MISSED OUT ON YEARS OF BIRTHDAY PARTIES, HOLIDAY PARTIES AND OTHER SUPERFICIAL STUFF. Oh yeah, positive....

So there it is: Write to me about where you can send the donations. :0)
I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT FOR HALLOWEEN!!!!!

Last year I had the time of my life decorating for Halloween. It was the first year that I didn't have to chaperon my girls with 10-15 of their friends all over creation. Last year, another parent FINALLY did the deed. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to miss that phase in their lives when they were young enough to trick-or-treat, but it's pretty much over for them. Now that they're teenagers, they've informed me that last year was in fact the last year. I got to stay home for the first time and scare the crap out of little kids. If I remember correctly even the high school kids were freaked out a bit.
I know I've got a couple of months left still but this year I've got to out do last year! WOO HOO!!!!
Let me know if you have any good ideas.
I wish I had a hologram machine.
I'd love to create a grave yard with holograms of ghosts.

HERE I AM SIMPSONIZED

Yeah yeah, I'm copying the cool kids! :0P
LOOK YOU CAN STILL SEE MY BRA FAT!

CAN A UVULA BE REMOVED WHILE SOMEONE SLEEPS?

If I were one of the 7 dwarfes, I’d be sleepy. Sleepy, because my husband refuses to sleep quietly. Is it too much to ask that someone keep their snoring in check? I’m usually a very mild mannered person. Nothing really gets to me the way that most things get to other people. People like my mother-in-law whom I’m sure unknowingly eats a healthy dose of chef saliva every time she goes out to eat. I don’t even want to go down the list of things that bother my husband resulting in stark raving lunaticisms. Likewise if I were to go through a list of things that certain people in my office find themselves easily annoyed about, we’d be here all day.

So this snoring thing is out of control. I can usually sleep through anything. ANYTHING! Or if I’m awoken by accident, it’s all good, I can easily go back to sleep with no problem. Unlike other people I know, who once they get woken up, they make everyone in the house pay. I’m not just talking about my husband. I’ll have to tell you about the camping trip I took with my mother-in-law and her sisters and how we were all forced to go to bed like 8 year olds because my mother in law needs absolute deafening quiet when she sleeps. One minute she was instigating a balloon fight and as soon as she decided it was over, “it was over and why the hell weren’t we asleep already”. She can be quite scary when she gets annoyed. Even the crickets were terrified.

Anyhow, nothing fazes me when I sleep, EXCEPT for snoring.
There is something about it that just makes me want to take a pillow and snuff it right out. I’ve tried everything from poking a knee into my husbands back, to rolling him over myself. Once, I’m ashamed to say, that I even punched him. (not hard, because it didn’t wake him, but just enough to get him to shift positions so the snoring would stop). When he snores he’s always in a sound sleep, but one time I punched him (Oh I already said I only punched him once, maybe it was a couple of times) and he woke up and said geez why did you hit me?

I played it off and said, “Oh, sorry I must have been dreaming about toilet paper sandwiches.” “what? Oh your talking in your sleep too.”

So the snoring still continues from time to time and I just can’t sleep through it. I'm normally nice as pie. The phone can ring at any given time when I’m asleep, say around 3 am and I'll drag myself to the phone, wiping the drool off my chin, eyes all pasted together (isn’t that a lovely picture) and I'll answer the phone and pull off the “No, I wasn’t asleep, you aren’t bothering me at all” in a happy stepford wife tone. I’m not a grouchy sleeper.

......UNLESS there's some snoring going on.

It doesn’t have to be my husband who’s uvula I want to snip out of his throat with a pair of large toe nail clippers, in the middle of the night. It can be the dogs too. Once I slept in a room with 4 other adults who were all snoring. It was surround sound snoring at it’s best and I wanted to kill that night! KILL THEM ALL!

I know, it sounds really callous and evil of me, but I’m sure that there are many of you out there who share my pain. All the tossing and turning, and sighing and punching in the world doesn’t make it any better does it. There must be a support group out there. SAS? Spouses Against Snoring. Let me know if you come up with any ideas before I KILL someone.

MAN NIPPLES......

The other day I was 'chillin' in my back yard with my daughter and our dog Max. As she was rubbing his belly, much to his delight, she pondered out loud “why do male dogs have nipples?” I replied “Well, human males have nipples too. Hmm, why do males have nipples? There’s really no purpose for them, right?”

My daughter is the female version of Cliff Clavin from Cheers, so I figured she would give me some long detailed explanation on the purpose of male nipples. Much to my delight at the time, she had nothing. It’s been a few days now and the question still flickers in and out of my head, as if I don’t have enough to think about.

So does anyone out there have a good explanation for what purpose male nipples serve? The question takes me back to that one time when God created Adam. You remember that time right? Anyhow, I wonder if Adam started out WITHOUT nipples…and then along came Eve.

In my mind, male nipples may have come about a little something like this:
(I’ve illustrated a cartoon for this, but I’m too busy these days to dig out the scanner).

Adam: Here ya go lord, here’s the rib.
God: Alright, let me see what I can come up with.
~POOF~
Adam: Hmm, cool. But she looks a little too much like me.
Isn’t there something you can do to make sure you can tell us apart?
God: I see your point. How’s this?
~poof~
Adam: o000O00OH, Adam likie!
What are those? Ya know, I think I would like a set for myself.
God: No, I don’t think so.
Adam: I want em!!! I want em!!! I want em….
God: FINE! Poof~ There ya go.
Adam: Ohhh, they’re really uncomfortable.
God: Okaaaay How about….that?
Adam: Muuuuch better! Now what are they for again?
God: I was hoping you were going to tell me.
Adam: Hmmm. Can I have some wings too.
God:Your really pushing it!

OKAY I KNOW YOU HATE YOUTUBE CLIPS BUT THIS IS FUNNY!
And besides, it isn't YouTube it's JIBJAB. :0P

CONSPIRING WAITRESSES

Hmmmmm?

Maybe I'm Paranoid?! I don't know if this happens to other people when they go out to dine but it does happen to me! After my food arrives and I am a 3rd of the way into it, whether I'm watching for the waiter/waitress to come back so I can ask for something else or not, they always seem to show up when my mouth is full.

I think IT'S A CONSPIRACY!!!!!! In fact I know it is!

Haven't you noticed that they wait in the shadows and when your mouth is packed so tightly that you can barely close your lips together, they run over and ask "Is everything okay?" With a mouth stuffed like that it takes at least five minutes to finish chewing, swallow, and make sure there is nothing in your teeth when you answer.

Unlike some of the men on my husband's side of the family, I choose not to talk with my mouth full. So I miss out on whatever it was I may have needed. I look like a Boa Constrictor with half a small animal in my mouth. I always end up smiling and nodding to motion that all is well while trying to keep the contents from spilling out.

Of course, there is the real possibility that they are waiting for me to take a break but then finally give up. (hence the name *Waiter *Waiting on you *Waiting for you...to slow down and take a breath of air.)

NOPE! After years of watching this, I'm convinced that this is a tactic that all waitstaff use to get out of having to run back and forth.

What do you think?
(and don't tell me to take smaller bites!) :0P

Happy Birthday to Me.....Again!

WOO HOO, I've gained another year!
Last year leading up to today I've been saying and believing that I was 37.
I was really 36 all a long obviously, but I tricked myself into thinking that I was older. (Of course my subconscious knew the truth and was secretly thrilled that I was actually a year younger).

Now that I've come upon yet another dreaded reminder that I still won't be allowed to audition for American Idol,(heh), this time around it's a little more tolerable! I feel like I've cheated Father Time out of an extra year before the big 4.0. The other day someone asked me how much older I was going to be and I said "Oh yeah...37....again. Cool!"

Yes I know I sound like an idiot, but it gets me through okay! This is where you're suppose to chime in and say "no you don't sound like an idiot April,
that's brilliant!"

well??? *taps foot impatiently*
Anyhow, I hope I'll be able to pull it off again next year!

I meandered over to Dan's Blah-blah-blah Blog
and found out that we share the exact same birthday!(oops I have one to many blahs in there). Anyhow check out his post "You Despise Me, Don't You". HILARIOUS!!!!! You won't regret it!


6/29/07 Update: This might not be a great idea after all! I just realized I missed out on 36! COMPLETELY MISSED OUT ON 36! 36 IS A VOID! :0( Now I'm sad!

HUSHIE-UPPIE!!!

I have finally mastered the art of blowing off telemarketers, bill collectors, salesmen and Jehovah’s Witnesses in the nicest way possible. I’ve always been the type of person to get reeled in and on countless occasions I’ve been held hostage by all of the above.

I could never bring myself to get rid of them in the quickest way possible for fear of hurting their feelings. Unlike my father-in-law who takes rudeness to an awesome level. Jehovah’s witnesses would come to his door and he’d scream at them saying “I told you people to stop bothering me!” then would slam the door in their poor faces. Real nice pops! That actually brings back some bad childhood memories. Wait a minute, I need a moment in my happy place.


Okay I’m better.
Anyhow, I’ve been working myself up to the best and easiest way to get these people to step off. :0) Nicely~

For telemarketers and bill collectors I like to entertain myself by getting them to hang up on me. I answer the phone in my most childlike voice (which for me is not a huge stretch) and I say “I’m sorry my Mommy and Daddy aren’t home right now, do you want to talk to my turtle? Why? He wants to talk to you. But he’s going to cry! I’m telling my Daddy! What’s your name and telephone number? Are you a pedophile? Have you seen Dateline?” They end up hanging up on me! Works every time and it usually stops repeat calls.
I love it!

Sometimes I’ll get a really overzealous or rude person who calls, (you know the obnoxious personality who just won’t allow you to hang up or won’t take no for an answer?) I’ll let them think I’m interested, quietly set the phone down and let them run their spiel. I could nip it in the bud, but because they are so hyper-motivated, I feel sorry for them.

Sometimes it seems that some of these sales people might get some sort of credit for just the right amount of dialog they pop off. They ramble on and on at a 100 words per second. If they cram it all in maybe their victim might happen to be a speed listener and will have a change of heart instead of feeling highly annoyed. I don’t like to let those personalities down. I might ruin their day. Waste their valuable time by interrupting every few seconds by quickly spitting out “no thank you”, “I’m sorry but I’m not interested”, “I’m not allowed to make the decisions in my house, trust me I'll be beaten”, “using your product is against my religion”; So I just let them do their thing, meanwhile, I put the phone down and walk off to do mine.

I think it’s nice of me! Okay it’s a little mean but it beats getting upset, slamming the phone down and feeling bad about it later.

I’d been snowed the year before by a very fast talking door to door salesgirl who wouldn’t take “I HAVE NO MONEY AND I MAY LOSE MY HOUSE NEXT MONTH” for an answer. Even after, “WE HAVE NO FOOD THIS WEEK!” she just kept going on even though I kept saying "no".

Then my girls came over and she roped them in: “let me ask you girls something, wouldn't you use these educational products to help you get better grades? They are really cool computer programs that are more like fun games”. She stooped to the worst level! I was outside gardening and therefore didn’t have a door to slam. Not that I would have even if I had access to one, but I wanted to in the worst way. (In my mind it was a Scrubs scene where I day-dreamt that I slammed the door in her face a 100 times). Anyhow the girls said “oh yeah, we could definitely benefit from those!”
“See they can really use them” she said. I should have told the girls, “Oh you can definitely use them? Okay good, all you need to do is pay the nice lady $80.00 cash. Instead I felt like a major heel and the worst parent in the world. (wow, heel was a serious grandpa word wasn't it?).
$80.00 + 12 weeks later when the cds arrived, we looked through them and found that they were basically complete sloth-crap, so now the cds are used as an expensive dust trap.

I’m going to illustrate for you below, my favorite new thing to do to door/door salespeople. I tried it the other day and it worked like a charm! This guy was ridiculous! He was a “college kid” selling the very same educational material as the salesgirl the previous year.


Salesman: Hi, do you have a moment to take a look at some educational products for your children?

Me: Thanks but I bought the very same products last year and we were really disappointed with the quality.

Salesman: Well can you just take a look to see some of our new products? They’re new this year.

Me: No thank you, really we weren’t happy, and your products aren’t exactly inexpensive.

Salesman: Can you just look for a second, my boss says I have to show you this.

Me: Nope. Won’t do it and you can’t make me!
(For a second there I thought he might hit me.)

Salesman: Just look at this one page *flips open book to a page*
*then looks up to see me holding my hands over my eyes and plugging my ears with my thumbs while singing la la la la la, not looking and not listening to you~ la la la~* He ended up laughing and finally left! See, we both got a good laugh instead of feeling bad and my wallet was spared.

Sheez, some of these poor starving souls need a brick house to fall on them. I don’t use the same sales tactics and my bank account reflects it. I just don’t have the personality for that. Don’t get me wrong I can be obnoxious and annoying but only towards my friends and family. It’s why I’ve decided to start the nursing program where I can actually help people and feel needed.

A PEEK AT OUR CITY

I haven't a thing to post AGAIN! I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who is struggling to come up with something funny these days! There are so many of my favorite blog authors who share a seat with me on the same sad little boat. At least they're still funny when they think they aren't. ie; Central Snark with Nothin’.

I can't even comment funny! I've been dragging these shackles around with a sour puss on my face for weeks now!

My last post was just complete gibberish about what I'm not sure of, even after I re-read and read it again. Two of my children came to me and said, "you know, your last post really wasn't all that funny mom" and "I didn't even laugh once throughout the whole thing. You need to go back to your original style of writing and stop worrying about who's reading it because we can tell you're trying too hard." Thanks! Thanks so much Siskel and Ebert! BTW you're grounded!
CRITIQUE THAT! :0P

Okay, so it wasn't funny and it probably made me look really sick and deranged that I would offer excrement to my children for dinner.

Anyhow, I still have nothing funny to offer up, so I thought I would post a little tour of our city.
theresa of gave us a cool little tour of the shopping she did in Pamplona, Spain. The Rain in Spain...: All in a Day's Shopping
This is a little tour right back at ya theresa. Not as exciting as beautiful Spain, but I love it here none-the-less. I left out all of the modern shopping areas which are starting to boom in our area. Ooh, and don't forget to click on the "more photos" button. (and make sure your volume is up for the full experience).
I didn't embed it into the post because the frame is to large. I need to get a wider layout. Anyhow here it is:

Click Here For Tour Of Our City

STOP HOLDING ME HOSTAGE!!!! (I’m referring to the voices in my head again).

Wooooooo. It’s been crazy at work and then some these last couple of weeks. I haven’t had time to get on and post or even get on to read anyone else’s posts (except for a couple of my favs).

I know whine-whine-whine.
Life is good though! Really good! I have nothing to complain about! Can you believe it? Me not complaining about anything… I know, that’s rich! I find I’m not very funny when I’m not complaining. Then again maybe I’m the only person who thinks I’m funny when I’m droning on and on about something that no one really gives a damn about. Like right now.

Anyhow, I’ve been slacking on my posts so I’ve really got to dig down deep right now and find something to good to whine about. Something everyone can relate to and somehow make it funny. Hmmm…. Nope, I can’t do it. I’ve been in too good a mood lately! How abouts’we explore a bunch (well more like a couple) of silly things that roam around in my head instead? Seeing as I’ve been away for such a long time and I may be away for a few more days once again, I think I’ll just throw a bunch of stuff out here in one post. Sort of like going on vacation and leaving one of those automatic pet feeders for the…..well duh, the pets of course. Not that I’m referring to you as the pets mind you! Is this lazy of me? Too bad, it’s all I have right now. Look it’s almost 4 am over here, cut me some slack!

Okay, you twisted my arm. First I’ll start off with a little something to complain about of course. Gotta bait you with something funny right off the bat, correct?

Let’s start with something that bothers me beyond bothered. Today's Lyrics in most of the music my kids listen too! Geez I never thought I’d hear myself saying that! I loved music as a teen and still do, and when I go back and listen to what I used to listen to in the 80s I guess my parents may have been cringing too.
Most of todays songs are fouler than ever! I’m still very protective of my kids even though 1 is in college and the other 2 are in high school. It kills me when there are songs that are playing that warrant re-explaining the birds and the bees. I hate todays MTV which should be called Ho'TV, or Stripper TV. My girls think it’s funny to torture me by popping in a CD with this crap they know I hate to listen to in their presence.
So I’m thinking that if I call them on some of the stupid lyrics they’ll be embarrassed and will take out the cd never to be played in my car again. I say “hey what did he just say? The lyrics to this one song are actually“I said my n*ggas don’t dance we just pull up our pants, now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back”. Of course the N word is paused out of the song on the radio so to me it sounds like he’s saying; “my nuts don’t dance they just fill up my pants, now lean back, lean back ….” This other song that came out called "Party Like a Rock Star", I swear they are saying "Horny like a rock star". Eventually, I’ll embarrass the crap out of the girls and they won’t bother to play that garbage anymore. At least not around me! It’s bad enough most of the lyrics are just a 3 to 4 worded line repeated a bazillion times.
CRAP I TELL YOU! (Oh man, I sound stogedy!)

And now a little something I’m sure my kids will complain about.

Remember, complaining is funny right?

Is Ca-ca, poo-poo and pee-pee funny to you? Tickle any familiar funny bones?
Close your eyes and take yourself back to the ages between 4 and 21.
(Yesterday for some people).

The reason I bring this up is that when my kids were younger, and actually still to this day, instead of asking if I need any help cooking dinner, the first and only question is usually, “Mom, what’s for dinner?” Not “Hey mom, can I help you with dinner?” That one single question is basically an “all about them” question. ( I know I used to ask my parents the same thing and I’m sure my pre-hypocritical self didn’t offer to help either).

Throughout my poor kids entire lives I’ve always answered the question
“what’s for dinner?” with.. "Well, tonight we’re having Ca-ca, poo poo and pee pee babe”.
They used to reply with “Eeww MOOOM!” or “Gross your sick! So what are we really having?”
and I would say “Are you complaining again? Because if you are, you won’t get any at all! Now go set the table and make sure there is a roll of toilet paper next to the salt and pepper.”

As the years rolled on they still ask the same question and I still say “we’re having caca poo poo and pee pee honey. Your favorite!”
Now they reply with “Yummy Mom, you’re the best! I call shot gun on the first helping!” It isn’t as fun as it used to be, now it’s just tradition. Isn’t that sweet?

I also had a nifty little trick to try and distract them whenever they got hurt.

You know, take the pain off of their minds.

Let me tell you there was a lot of getting hurt around our house with three kids and all.

I’m very clumsy myself and the apples do not fall far from the tree!

So when they came to me every other hour complaining that they got a booboo, “"Mommy so and so poked my eye!!!” I thought it was amusing to offer to poke their other eye to take their mind off the first eye :0) It always seemed to get a good laugh and distract them from the pain until I could blow in their eye or give them some ice or offer to scoop the injured eye ball out with a spoon or a fork. What? It worked! The crying instantly stopped and when I had to step out of the room or out of the apartment across the hall to the laundry room, I would tell them to behave and that I would know if they weren’t behaving because I was going to leave one of my eyeballs up high so I could watch them. They actually believed me because I would squint one eye closed after mocking removing it and placing it high on top of a cabinet.

Ahh the fun times we had. Their therapy bills are going to be through the roof when they get older. Well they can’t say I never gave them anything substantial, right? Just think of how funny they will be when they get older, what with all that they have to complain about! I provided that inspiration! I lovingly complain about them and they will in turn...…torture me when I get old and can’t wipe myself.
I can just hear them now… I’ll ask “what’s for dinner?” and they’ll say, “I don’t know, whatcha got in your diaper Mom? Little snack pack?” I hope they don’t read this, I shouldn’t be giving them any ideas!
Okay, I’m beat and very punchy as if you couldn’t tell. I’m crashing now. I’ll be back with a post about how to tell long winded ear benders to step off, zip it, and shutty-uppy...but in a nice way.

I’m starving for attention so leave me some comments

telling me I didn’t gross you out too much.

SOMETHING :0)

OUT TO WORK

ALL THIS WORK AND NO TIME TO POST!!!!!!!!

:0( I'LL BE BACK SOON!!!!!!

I MISS YOU!!!!!!!

THIS IS BRA FAT and it needs to go!

Okay ladies, (and some of you men),

Can anyone tell me what the purpose of Bra Fat is? What does it do? Why is it there? How did it get in myyyy shirt?

Other than confusing people about which is the front and which is the back, what is it's function? The least it can do is store water like a camel!

I look like I have a sixpack on my upper back!
(and a Keg in the front).
This is rediculous!
theresa was over at her place talking about fashion and how there is an 80s revival in Spain right now. People... can we please just go back to the 1800s and bring back the Corset?


Ya know they also make them for guys with man-boobs!

Please post some suggestions here so that I can just STOP THE MADNESS ALREADY!

I need another bra for my back!!!
(Yeah yeah, I know.....ewwwww!)

A WALK IN THE CLOUDS

MY CHILDREN INSPIRED ZONING OUT!

Isn’t that just straight up terrible of me to say? I can’t help it!
Sometimes you just have to depart from mental reality when it seems there will be no end to the incessant chatter. I learned to use this very valuable skill/state of mind a long time ago.
I think I remember learning it around the time the kids were still in diapers. Any on-going crying for no apparent reason induced me into a comma-like-state-of mind which allowed me to escape insanity for many fun filled hours at a time. :0)

I’m just kidding, it wasn’t that far back, but I did learn to zone out around the time that the children decided to master the art of bickering and babbling about pointless stuff
(I almost said “Pointless Drivel” but I think there’s a copy write).

I love my 3 children more than life itself. There isn’t anything I won’t do for them. I support them in everything they do, try to spend as much time with them as I can between multiple jobs, and just plain love to hang out with them whenever they are asleep.
(half kidding again).

HOWEVER, in my quest to be as loving and caring as a mother can possibly be, sometimes my brain just can’t absorb it all. Sometimes my brain just shuts down and escapes to a land where different thoughts reside. Other thoughts that don’t include;
“MOOOOM, she used my brush and now her putrid hair is all over it!”, or “MOM she called me anorexic again….yeah Mom but she called me a fat load first”. Or “Mikey stole my rap and he keeps saying he made it up”. (Excuse me, but I wasn’t aware that you are getting ready to launch a new Rap CD. Call your attorney and have him send your 18 yr old brother a letter telling him to cease and desist or else.)

Here is an example of my day which warrants Zoning Out.

~I come home from working all day, knowing there are still many tasks to take care of before I can answer the beckoning of my sweet, warm and cozy bed.

During dinner I usually engage the kids in a discussion about their day by asking how it was.
(I don’t really want to know. Okay, yes I do, but I always hope for the shortest version).
(I sound like such a guy right now don’t I? I sure don’t blame my husband for ignoring me all these years. THAT’S WHERE I LEARNED IT FROM!). Ah, something else to blame him for! :0)
Anyhow, I have 3 kids who have a lot that happens during the school day, so most often our discussions turn into press conferences.

How many years does it take for people to learn that they have to wait their turn???
I got tired of reminding them, so as my brain started to zone out on it’s own, I found myself holding 3 conversations at once.
(It’s incredibly amazing how many adults I run into who act like kids and do the same thing).
"CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I’M HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
Anyhow, that’s a different rant.

At the dinner table I ask each of my kids, “So babe, how was your day at school today?” (in my sweet mommie voice, and not the usual I HAVE A TON OF WORK TO DO SO MAKE IT QUICK tone that a mean mom would use).

Usually, I just want to know about the important facts.
“How did you do on your tests today? Did you turn in your homework? How was lunch? You spent how much time in the nurses office again even though you weren’t really sick?”
Instead of the short simple answers to my actual questions the answers snowball into stories similar to ‘why one of them and a friend had started a “let’s trip each other in the hall game and see who goes down the hardest” tangent. (Shouldn’t that be a game for boys in..…well….any grade really?!) Naturally there would be a 30 minute lecture on why that isn’t going to continue.

It’s amazing how fast the evening hours go by! Three interviews like this with all of the other usual shenanigans and before I know it, it’s 11PM. I thought it would a little easier when you have teenagers. My girls are so cute because they still want to be tucked in every night. I love that. It gives me a little more time to talk and spend another hour trying to escape from each of their rooms so that I can finally sit back to relax at 2AM. :0)

I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t kill my husband for getting me pregnant, or kidnap and hold myself hostage on a secluded island somewhere in the West Indies. I realize that the bickering and just plain motor-mouthing my already gridlocked mind is something I’m going to have to live with as long as I own ears.

Zoning Out is the alternative. It’s become an art form! I didn’t realize I was doing it until the kids pointed it out. I don’t mean to be so rude, but it beats thinking or God forbid saying out loud..... “SSSSHHHHHHUTTY!” or "Guess what? I bought some Shut-upsicles! They're in the fridge, go get one."

It’s my brain’s fault! That’s what I tell them. In a very familiar tattle-tale-tone I say
“HEY SO AND SO, MY BRAIN IS ZONING OUT AGAIN AND IT WON’T LET ME LISTEN TO YOU ANYMORE! DO SOMETHING!!!"
They just roll their eyes and leave the room.
I love turning the tables! Is that mean? Oh well.
You’ll be doing it someday and you’ll thank me for the tip!

If you weren’t Zoning Out during this entire post, leave me a comment. I promise to pay attention! For the first part of it at least~ :0)

GET OVER TO diesel AND theresa's place to read...

diesel wrote this HILARIOUS post about a conversation between God and Adam on the day he and Eve had to exit the Garden of Eden. I literally pee'd myself reading it! When I complained to diesel that in the last few days I've gone through several pair of pants reading all of his posts, the sicko told me to go commando like Adam did in his leafy trousers.
I'm sure you'd like that diesel! Ya Sicko! With my luck you'd recommend the itchy leaves and not tell me!

Then Theresa brilliantly tied her version of the story in.
Great stuff! Get over to both of their places and read them! diesel's first though in order to appreciate Theresa's post!
http://www.mattresspolice.com/ (Mixed Fruits and Metaphors) and http://rainypamplona.blogspot.com/ (All About Eve).

I love you funny people!

Heck Yeah Mutha Trucka!

(That title has nothing to do with today’s post. It just felt good to say it.)

Hi everyone, I’m back. I’ve been released from the blog penalty box. I don’t have much to say, so I may end up back in the box very soon.

My daughter came home today with a health class project that has her caring for an egg (which is supposed to be a baby). The assignment is that each student is to take their egg with them everywhere and bring the egg back within a week, unscathed. The teacher marked the eggs with a special pen that only a blue light will detect to make sure the students don’t cheat and bring in any old egg after breaking the original.

The very first day of the assignment, my daughter had the nerve to ask me to baby-sit her egg. It really is a great learning experience because I can teach her right now that I WILL NOT be BABYSITTING squat! I’ve been babysitting and then some for the last 19 years! It's bad enough that I have to baby-sit my husband for the rest of my life. I have 4 more years to go with our kids and then my plan is to drink some special Kool-Aide, lie down on a cot and wait for Hailey’s Comet to come and pick me up!

It's a nice concept as a health project though isn't it? It's geared to show teenagers how stressful it can be to care for a child if they are irresponsible and end up pregnant at an early age. I wish these eggs could scream at the top of their non-existent lungs and crap in their non-existent pants!

I’m going back to the penalty box!

BOOOOOOOO!

DUE TO A STRONG LACK OF HUMOR THIS WEEK,

MOOD MANAGEMENT HAS REVOKED MY MOTIVATION TO POST.

STAY TUNED FOR NEAR FUTURE REACTIVATION!

~GROUCHIE

THE 411 ON TODAY'S INTERNET SLANG

The other day I caught part of a new cell phone commercial where a daughter is talking to her mom using Internet lingo and the mom understands it but responds in regular English so the audience knows what the heck the kid is saying.

I thought about some of the comments that my daughters post on their myspace, which some of it I understand but most of it is like hieroglyphics.
Now that I know what it all means, I love to torture the girls when their friends are over, by talking like they do. Their friends think I'm 'mad off the hook', but the girls cringe.

I asked a couple of experts (my teenage daughters) to give me a break down so that I could post a little 101 here for those of you who share my illiteracy. Some of it is a little vulgar. It was funny because the girls censored themselves in their descriptions. (They aren't allowed to curse. I wouldn't even bend on 'Crap') :0)

Here it is. Some of it is obvious. Some just ridiculous.

Basics:
LOL: laugh out loud
JK: just kidding
ttyl: talk to you later
sry: sorry
thx: thanks
w/b: write back
OMG: oh my god
OOMG: ooh, oh my god
IDK: I don't know
til: until
BTW: by the way

Intermediate:
sup: what's up
ur: you're, or your
jus: just
iight: Alright
ayo: hey 'yo
g2g: got to go
brb: be right back
nvm: never mind
w/e: whatever
LMAO: laugh my ass off (personally I think they should be using (LMBO) 'laugh my butt off)".

Advanced:
nmxjc: nothin much except just chillen
hop off: Stop hatin (stop being mean)
swagga jackin: copying someones style
fall back: back off, stop what your saying or doing
imma: I'm going to (I'm gonna)
ily: sick or cool
cnt: can't
Grille: face
Holla Back: get back to me

Foul:
WTF: What the "Expletive"
n/h: I really don't even want to go here, but basically when someone says I love you to the same gendered person, then they write n/h meaning they don't mean it that way.
w/e :0)

I'd like to make a few up of my own when I talk to my kids and their friends.
Here is an example of me commenting their friends on their myspace page telling them that the girls can't talk on the phone or get on myspace for however long I've grounded them for:


AYO Ev1: (ev1 is every one)
Sup? It's Blah and blah's Mom Mrs ZOA. (Zoning Out Again)
sry but dey won't be able to holla back 'atcha bcuz dey iz grdd.
So dnt call dey celly, or call R crib, dnt com ovr and don't w/b.
Dnt be hatin, it's all good. and don't be swagga jackin any of my new wordz!

imma fall back now. peace lbrz. (little brats)
1lub,

Mamma ZOA

I am SO not even going to try to run spell check on this post! :0) PEACE!

BY THE WAY..THESE ARE CROCUS

Double click the image to get the full effect.

The grass hasn't come in yet, but the Crocus are in full bloom! Little cuties!

{I really need to get to bed!}

DON'T PEE ON MY CROCUS!

Spring is finally here in the North East!

(I say that in my whisper voice just in case).
All of my babies are starting to bloom. I love gardening! I find myself doing a lot of things I thought I wouldn't do until I turn 50 but here I am, WAY ahead of time. Actually, I feel like I've regressed to the age of 5. Still playing in the dirt and loving it.

Until about 2 years ago my super hero nicknames were "The Black Thumb" because I killed everything I got my hands on (plants) and "Virus Fingers" because the antiquated Macs at work were crap, but it was easier for those co-worker-haters to blame all of the crashes on me. Hurtful haters! :0) {you know who you are and you know I Luz you!)

'Black Thumb' was an unfair label because no one ever told me water was a key element for growing things. I'm a California native...we had water usage restrictions and everything green out there is staged! If you are out watering your lawn in Cali, you may as well be out beating your dog in public. Break out the hose and you can surely expect picketing.

The first year that I became addicted to growing stuff out here in the east,(not that stuff), I started a planting frenzy. I found myself sneaking out around 11 pm to water everything in the dark. Finally, I asked my neighbor if people were offended by "watering" like they are in Cali. The answer is no and so I am free to unload all of the liquid magic I am willing to pay for.

So far, this spring is different and I haven't had to break out the hose yet. After a recent storm flooded many spots in our region, (Thank God our home is not located in a flood plain), it delivered just what my babies needed. The landscaping throughout our neighborhood has started to flourish and everyone is starting to feel Spring Fever.

Everyone, including my dogs, who want to assist in watering everything that I wish they won't notice. Why must they go straight for the good stuff? My poor little Crocus are so vulnerable! Pee is not good for Crocus! Or anything for that matter. If I didn't have to let these plant wreckers back in my house I would pee on them myself to show them how it feels. Although with my luck they would like it. (the dogs, not the Crocus).

Dogs are gross like that. (Isn't Crocus fun to say?)

Well, I'm pretty wiped out from the crappy 2nd job. Getting home at 10:30 PM after working all day, and then jumping on the computer to stalk diesel, of http://www.mattresspolice.com/ and staying up until 2:30 am is starting to wear on me. Can you not tell by the post I just finished? Look over to your right; that's what I look like right now!

I'll be back tomorrow to:

First, look for diesel's new CAPTION CONTEST.

{You'll have to use the link above because I haven't learned how to link words yet}. and 2nd; get my new post up.

I'm planning on doing a nice little breakdown on today's slang and IMing lingo that the kids are using to exclude us old timers. Now-a-days it's like the need to learn Spanish.

Time to drift off and dream about the coolest shout out I've ever received. Ever, ever. YES. EVER. I've been on cloud 9 all day after reading 'Thursday's Shout-Outs' by diesel on http://www.mattresspolice.com/. diesel gave some very cool bloggers (along with me) mad props! (Mad Props: An abundance of Accolades, acknowledgements, ego stroking, etc.)

Race you guys to diesel's place tomorrow! (or in my case later today).

I NEED TO TAKE OUT A LOAN TO BRING MY FAMILY TO THE MOVIES!

I can remember going to the movies A LOT when I was a kid. Drive-ins were the best! My dad would put together a picnic to support his famous fried chicken and we'd all pile up in the car for the evening. Sometimes we'd go with family or friends and park side by side to make it a small party. $5 bucks per car! Remember that? Ah the good old days!

I can't remember the last time I was able to take the whole family out to the movies. Drive-ins are a dead breed out here in the East. We're left with the over priced movie theaters usually located in the mall where you need an entourage to help you make your way through the crowds of teenagers and senior citizens (It's still up in the air on who's rowdier).

Okay, so the price of tickets are understandable, but the food?
I don't know why I even bother to walk up to the counter and look at the menu.
I'm left feeling livid every time! You need to take out a small personal loan just to go see a movie and grab a few goodies to pack the face. My Mom says, "you should go to dinner first". Okay that's nice but the whole tradition of the experience is to pack your face with hot buttery popcorn, slurp away on your cola and even if you aren't hungry, force down some juju bees!
There's nothing more satisfying than watching, chomping, picking stuff out of your teeth, and washing it all down with some ice cold highly carbonated fructose and corn syrup. I SEETHE at the counter as I ask myself WHY DIDN'T I HIT THE CONVENIENT STORE before I came in? I can usually fit a couple of small candy bars in my purse. I don't usually do it though because I feel so guilty! I'm paranoid as I pay for my ticket and I feel like "THEY KNOW".

Movie theater popcorn is my biggest pet peeve!
There are so many sizes now. Super Tiny, Tiny, Snack Size Small, Regular Small, Mini Medium, Regular Medium, Large, Jumbo and GINORMOUS. The smallest size starts out at $5 BUCKS!

I'm a smart-ass by nature so I have to catechize the poor sap behind the counter with questions like; How much for a handful? How much for a sip of coke? I only have $5 dollars on me, can I get a handful of everything and a couple of sips of Mountain Dew?

What really bothers me the most about the cost of pocorn is that it's ALWAYS COLD!!!!!!!!! Maybe I could justify the cost if it were THE GREATEST POPCORN ON THE PLANET! Kernel-less like boneless wings. Hot and buttery would be a plus. These days instead of popping new batches, they let it sit until it's all gone. Cold and lard coated. Blah! It's not just the theater in our mall. It's everywhere! I can't get passed the thought that a box of Movie Time - extra butter - microwavable popcorn with 20 bags only costs $1.99 in the grocery store, and chances are I have some at home! Can't sneak that in...they would smell it!

I can't afford to take my family so we all go separately.
My kids go with their friends.
My husband doesn't go at all.
And I go with me, myself and I.
(It's a good thing they don't know about all of my personalities, otherwise I'd never be able to afford it).
Don't even get me going on the candy!

I have friends who bring a picnic with them. INTO THE THEATER!
My girlfriend told me that one time she was eating ice cream...wait a minute I said, "Ice cream? They sell Ice cream now?" and she said "no silly, we stopped and each got ourselves a pint of Ben and Jerry's!"
"What about spoons?" I said
"I keep them in the bag with the 2 ltr bottle of soda".
"How big is this bag, Geez?" (my heart starts to race with excitement and all of a sudden buckets of fried chicken and a flick seem possible again).
"It's like a beach bag, I can fit a lot of stuff in it." she said.
"I guess so! Listen, what are you doing next Thanksgiving?"

Too much stress and hard earned mula to watch a movie these days! I'll just continue go grocery shopping and rent my movies.

I HAD A NAME TRANSPLANT!

Just to let you all know,
when I started my blog on blogger.com they gave me too many options for names.
I threw 3 different names out there resulting in the usual confusion that is commonly associated with everything "me". I was trying to be snazzy and ended up confusing everyone with my multiple names which are not unlike my multiple personalities.

I had Obsessive Ponderings as the title of my blog.
Random Ponderings as my screen name.
And Zoning Out Again for something else of which I can't remember.
Then when I discovered Humor-Blogs.com my link name became Zoning Out Again even though every time I left a comment somewhere I was Random Ponderings.
Are you confused yet? Good. That's always my plan!
Anyhow, I am streamlining everything down to one name.
Zoning Out Again. No longer Random Ponderings.
So there.

MORE LETTERS FROM A NUT...

I've always loved Barnes and Noble. When we lived in San Diego, it was one of my favorite spots to spend endless hours. When we moved here to NY, the closest B&N was 45 minutes away.
About a year or so ago we finally got one right here 5 minutes from home.

Our Barnes and Noble provides a Cheesecake Factory and the usual Starbucks which makes it extra awesome. It's funny because my husband used to make fun of me for spending time there, but as he's growing up he's come to find the same love for the place.

The other day, I found myself feeling pretty B&N'd out, however just when I thought I had no other subjects to be obsessed about I wandered into the humor section. Why haven't I visited this isle before? I bought this really funny book by Ted L. Nancy (which is rumored to be a pseudo name for Jerry Seinfeld). Everytime I pick up the book I can't stop laughing. He wrote these outlandish letters to real businesses and they all responded. Most were serious, some were funny in response, and some had me wondering if they had even read his letter at all.
My husband refuses to take interest and many people who know me think my sense of humor is juvenile. I don't really care though.

I spend the most time with myself and I really enjoy my own company and the company of my many personalities.

I'll share these with you.
Here are a couple of the letters from 'More Letters From A Nut'.


560 No. Moorpark rd. #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Sep 4, 1996

Dining Room Reservations
SUTTON PLACE HOTEL
4500 MacArthur Blvd.
Newport Beach, CA 92660



Dear Reservations Booker,

I belong to a Male Tickle Club. We want to hold our Tickle Meeting at your restaurant. There are approximately 51 males who are ticklish. We come in 16 cars. We DO NOT engage in any tickling of each other at these meetings!

We gather once a month at various restaurants to hold our meetings. I am in charge of finding the place that best accommodates our needs. There is NO tickling at these gatherings. Just discussion about tickling. (Fingers, feathers, paper, light bamboo, etc.). If someone is caught tickling, they are dismissed. You will not be subjected to any behavior where there is tickling going on. These rules are strictly enforced. NO TICKLING!

We need the following:
125 pounds of shrimp
116 garlic rolls
22 paper tickle aprons (only officers and guests get aprons)

Can you give me a figure or let me know who I talk to to discuss this?

We want to hold our next meeting at the end of September.

This is the best tickle weather. Please write with information so we can proceed. Thank you. Again, these are only discussions and lectures regarding tickling.

There is no tickling activity.

Sincerely,
Ted L. Nancy
Good Tickling


(The response letter was lame, I don't think they read his letter, so I'm not going to include it here)



560 No. Moorpark rd. #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Aug 27, 1996

Reservations,
RHETT HOUSE HOTEL
1009 Craven St.
Beaufort, SC, 29902


Dear Reservations Desk,

I wish to check into your fine hotel on September 29, 1996 for one evening. I wish to stay in a suite. My problem;

I have an aversion to all germs. Therefore I travel with my own toilet seat and portable shower. I wear a body sheath when I sleep in a strange room. Can I be accommodated?

I will put down a protective splash when eating at your buffet. This protective splash will cover me and the area directly around me. It is similar to a tent, but I can see through it.
Will it interfere with other diners?

I believe I will catch the diseases of others if I do not protect myself. I wear a dribble poncho and use calf lining for my feet when I walk across the room. My hands are covered in knuckle gum.

I put a cellophane area around the toilet then put down my own toilet seat. I use cardboard over my head then sit down and relieve myself. This is the only way I can be sure that the diseases of others will not get me.

Please give me your best corporate rate for that evening and let me know that my special cleanliness equipment will be allowed in your hotel.

I have often heard that the Rhett House Hotel allows it's guest specialties to accommodate them. Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you soon regarding my September 29, 1996 stay.

Sincerely,
Ted L. Nancy

HERE IS THEIR RESPONSE LETTER:

(I don't have a scanner so I'm not scanning in their logo)

September 6, 1996


Mr. Ted L. Nancy
560 North Moorpark Road #236
Thousand Oaks, CA 91360

Mr. Nancy,

We received your letter dated August 27, regarding the possibility of reserving a room on September 29. We do have rooms available for that evening, although we do not have any suites in the inn. Your best bet would be room 10 which is our deluxe room with a king sized bed, a private entrance and screened veranda and a jacuzzi.

We would be glad to accommodate you and your special equipment for the evening, I do not anticipate that your provisions will pose a problem to the inn or our other guests. However, none of us is sure what knuckle gum is and our only concern would be if it would stain the linens or bedding.

Feel free to call us at (803) 524-9030 for further information about our inn, and to discuss a reservation for the evening of September 29. We look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Molly Wilson
Innkeeper

Hee hee... I love this book! I should recommend this one to D.

SLEEPLESS IN PULLED PORK HELL

It's 2:30 a.m. and I've been awakened by Sandman's evil twin, Mr. obnoxious insomnia.
(just to let you in on my sick and twisted mind right now, I've been sitting here wasting time, wondering if I should capitalize Obnoxious and Insomnia).

I hate it when this happens. I'm so tired, but the stresses of the day are racing through my head in my sleep resulting in more stress. It's pretty bad when you obsess behind closed lids.

I came home tonight from my miserable second job somewhere around 10:30 PM.
(Thank the Lord it's temporary). I was too exhausted to stay on the computer and write a blog, (which I've been desperately longing to do), so I quickly browsed through my favorite blog, MattressPolice.com. I needed a quick fix so I jumped on to see if there were any new posts, or interesting comments on Diesel's last post regarding the 'Caption Contest'. I was really hoping someone would have left me a sympathy comment after I shamelessly whined on about not making the top 10. I'm over being bitter about it. (sort of).

Anyhow, after dragging myself upstairs to bed and falling into an uncomfortable sleep for a few hours, I soon found myself staring into a dark abyss around 1 A.M., obsessing about work, the kids, the fact that there is no toilet paper in this house even though we just bought a 12 pack 2 days ago. WHERE DOES IT GO? I mean... I know where it goes, but GEEZ! Most people are disgusted about the rising cost of gas. I however am high-strung over the huge volumes of toilet paper that disappear in such a short amount of time! Alright, I've already blogged about how neurotic I am over toilet paper. I'll just say this; if I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm going to do is buy my own toilet paper company and hire people to deliver daily. If I win a ridiculous amount of money, these delivery people are going to do so much more than just deliver!

It would be so much easier to just kick all of these wasteful people out of my house.

DAMN THE WHOLE MOTHERLY INSTINCT THING!
Thank God the pets don't use toilet paper.

Back to my never ending supply of awakedness. I just haven't slept very well in over 2 or 3 years. If I'm not being woken by Mr. Obnoxious Insomnia, then it's Mr. Obnoxious Husband.

Mr. O. H. loves to threaten everyone in the house, that if he is awoken, Armageddon will commence and we will all be dragged down into the fiery pits of hell where demons of severe torture will descend upon us like pedophiles on myspace to shred us like pulled pork for sandwiches. That should not have made me hungry, but now I am.

Anyhow, he can fall asleep in front of a blaring TV, usually something sports related, with all of the usual characters milling about in the house, who are most likely engaging in their usual activity of bickering back and forth about who snuck into whose room and took something so ridiculously inconsequential that you just want to set yourself on fire in the middle of the living room!
For those of you who don't have teenagers yet, this is what you have to look foreword to. Bickering, bickering, no toilet paper and more bickering.

So, back to Rip Van Stinkle. He can sleep soundly through all of this but once he wakes up and decides to take his sleeping antics upstairs to bed, we are all subjected to a 15 minute "don't wake me up or DIE 101" tirade. I'm left, once again stressing out. This transforms me into a psycho 'I need an endless supply of Prozac' mom, SSSHHHuSHing everyone until I lose my whisper voice. Face is all contorted like one of those demons from Pulled Pork Hell. It's no wonder I'm so stressed in my sleep!

Then, Mr. Obnoxious Husband, after he's gotten his sound sleep for the evening, wakes up at 5:30 am to get ready for work, but does he follow his own rules of "DWMUOD 101"? NOOO! It's the perfect time to stomp around the house like 'Big Foot does The River Dance', loudly singing stupid songs to the pets, talks to me or who ever while we're sleeping about lame random stuff, slams doors, more stomping around, grumbling about the lack of toilet paper, etc.

Well, isn't blogging just great? I should feel better now but I don't. Now I really can't sleep because I'll be obsessing about Mr obnoxious husband and his double standards.

It is now time to subject myself to watching Beauty and the Beast.

Here is something about me you didn't know.

Every time I watch a really scary movie like 'The Ring',

(YES THAT WAS SCARY!) I have to watch something to offset it like The Little Mermaid or Beauty and the Beast. It makes me happy. Most often I still can't sleep, but at least I'm not crapping my pants, resulting in more toilet paper usage. Goodnight. Or Morning I should say.

TOO POOPY TO POST

I'm not posting a post tonight because I'm feeling crabby, moody, melancholy, fatigued, unmotivated and just plain lazy. I won't do it... and you can't make me.

So there!

I'll be back to do it tomorrow. Miss me lots! :0*

DOES GOD GET SICK OF SUCK UPS?

Lately I've been so thankful for everything!

I find myself saying thanks to god for the smallest of things.

So much so that I feel like a total suck up.

"God, thanks for sending that flock of birds just now, I needed that".

"God, thanks for giving me a seat with a wonderful view while I work my second job performing mindless oopma-loompa-like work".

"God, thank you for letting me get the last banana Popsicle. You know how these greedy people in my house can be".

"God, thank you for making me slam on my breaks, when that firetruck almost wiped my daughter and I off the face of the earth. (Well that one was legitimate).

"God, thank you for keeping me from killing my husband." (I guess that's a big one too).

"God, thank you for the invention of toilet paper, because really, what would we do without it?"

It gets pretty ridiculous at times and the other day I thought to myself, "when does giving too much thanks become sucking up?" Is God up there screening his prayers because of me and people like me?

I can picture him saying " GEEZ ALREADY!" Or "Oh not this one again!" or "this one is really clogging up my voice mail!" "Peter, can we put this one on the DO NOT PRAY LIST?

Well, I guess I'll find out if ever I get up there, won't I?

THE CRUST GESTAPO

First off I love my husband; however, he is a psycho when it comes to crust. Well, he’s pretty out there about a lot of things but this takes the cake (cake doesn’t have crust does it?).
I hate crust. He hates that I hate crust. I hate that he hates that I hate crust. He accuses me of influencing the children to hate crust. Who the hell cares! There is no nutritional value in crust is there? So what if I don’t make them eat every flippin crumb of dry, flakey, mouth dehydrating, dusty, evaporated, impoverished part of the whatever it is that happens to have inherited it.
Honestly, I hate and therefore the children hate; Crust from sandwiches, pop tarts, pot pies, PIZZA, waffles (I hate waffles all together), toast, pannini, the outer crust on pies, all types of pies (unless the crust is graham cracker), Tart Crust, Streusel Crust, braised and roasted domestic lamb shank with Gorgonzola Crust, Lasagna Crust, CRUSTY FRENCH BREAD and CRUSTY HARD ROLLS. I could go on and on but you get the point.

Anyhow, for the longest time, my husband would carry on about how wasteful I was and what a horrible mother I was because I refused to promote Crust and raise Crust loving offspring. I was labeled a loser because of my distaste for all Crust.

He used to threaten everyone in the house to “not dare touch another slice of pizza unless we had finished the outer crust of the slice we had on our plates”. Meanie!

It wasn’t until one day that I pitched a major protest by holding a piece of toast in the air and threatening to scrape it and disperse crumbs all over the floor sending him into shear panic and complete obedience. (I’ll have to write about his obsession with sweeping the floors, especially for show when guests come over. Look for that blog in the future).

Anyhow, he has since stopped with the Crust Gestapo antics about any crust from any type of food that we choose not to eat. Fear not though as he is onto other inconsequential rants about insignificant things. Thanks to diesel of http://www.mattresspolice.com/ (antisocial commentary), I was inspired to vent about my spouse’s antics and I am now feeling much better for it. My husband has many great attributes but I don’t need to vent about those so I will only focus on the negative. Hopefully, my ranting will inspire others to shamefully air out their dirty laundry online to complete strangers for the pure satisfaction of having had the very last word.
:0) Have a great day and feel free to throw out your crust in support of me and my children! DEATH TO CRUST!

MY DOG HUMPS TO ENTERTAIN YOU!

I just Don't get it! Does your dog do this? When company comes over, our dog Max gets excited and thinks everyone wants to watch him try to get it on with poor Gator.

There's just somethin WRRRONG about this!

Please, not in front of the guests Max!

Even the cat thinks he has issues

"Good god, will you people just get him fixed already?"

Poor Gator! It's cheap entertainment at his expense!

TOILET PAPER RICH

I’m not the type of person who needs very much in life.
As long as the bills are paid and no one is threatening to shut anything off or take something away, I’m a very content person. Oh yeah, food in the house is a plus. Sure, I won’t lie and say I don’t love technology, cool gadgets, fixing up my home and things of that sort, but materialism isn’t something I’m addicted to. I could live without it. It doesn’t take much to please me at all. In fact I’m the happiest person on earth when all I own is security.

Like for instance, the security of toilet paper. Nothing makes me feel more like I have a million bucks than a 36 roll package of quality toilet paper. I feel like…life is beautiful owning that much certainty. Just knowing you can go anytime and not have to hold it or worse, search for something similar, is pure ecstasy.
You know what I’m talking about! Don’t act like you’re above it. It happens to everyone. Not men though, in the case of #1, because you can just shake it off. But for females, it’s a double shot. (don’t even get me going about how females got the short end of the stick (no pun intended) in terms of bodily functions). That is a totally different tangent.

Anyhow, back to the abundance of toilet paper and cloud 9.
I am just thrilled beyond belief when I bring home a GI-NORMOUS package of toilet paper. Crack has nothing on double rolls! I take it all out, fill the cabinets that are positioned right in front of the toilet until they are jam packed and then I top it off with a huge pyramid I like to call QUILTED HEAVENLY PEACE OF MIND. I could sit and stare at it for hours. The cabinet doors are glass, so it’s just a wonderful view during every experience in the bathroom.

This is what makes me such a great person to buy presents for. I would love to receive a GI-NORMOUS package of toilet paper for Christmas. You would think my husband would figure this out and use it to his advantage, but no, as usual he has to go against the grain and come home with a measly generic brand, 1-ply 4 pack. I know he does it to annoy me! We have 5 people in our house. 3 of us are female ‘for you know whose sake’! So, dearest of family & friends out there who are reading this, especially those of you who shop at Sam’s or Costco, when you’re strolling the paper isle (or skipping as I do) think of me. Try it out for yourself. You’ll call me and thank me! By the way, my birthday is coming up in June and my favorite brand is Cottonelle. Splurge, I’m worth it! :0)

TORTURING THE CHILDREN

I love to torture my kids! (This is not a picture of me by the way)

I get so much pleasure out of it! Why not?
They’ve been doing it to me for years!
Right now they're all teenagers, so I figure why wait for them to have children of their own so I can enjoy the curses I’ve placed on them? It’s pretty entertaining and it instantly takes the stress off me.
For instance, every parent goes through this. You’re on one side of the house and one of your children calls out for you from where ever they are. MOM….MMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOMMMM?
I don’t know about you, but that used to dissolve my skeleton. I’d get upset, have to stop what I was doing and yell back STOP YELLING FOR ME FROM ANOTHER ROOM UNLESS YOU’RE BLEEDING OR ON FIRE! Come and find me if you need me.

After years and years of this, they still don’t get it। So now, instead of getting upset, I remain quiet. Quiet as a mouse forcing them to get up and search for me, still calling out for me at the top of their lungs of course. I hide. I literally hide in a closet or under the bed and snicker while I listen to them search for me. Then when they are out of site I return to what I was doing still quiet so they wont find me right away. When they find me its: “Wow mom, where were you? Didn’t you hear me calling you? I was looking all over for you”. I simply say “oh sorry…didn’t hear ya!”. :0) I’m not a great liar so they knew I heard them which made it even better. I still had to hear the ear melting, nerve splitting hollering but it was a small price to pay to see their exhaustion and to know that the tables were now turned.

It doesn’t happen very much anymore. Now they just yell out “Mom, which room are you in?” I don’t think they’ve caught on to the hiding aspect yet.
I have so many different ways to torture them. It’s the little things that help keep my sanity in tact. Try it sometime. If they catch you hiding, what is the worst that can happen? Lots of laughter and hopefully they’ll get the point. (Don’t try this with children under the age of 12). They might mimic you with the hiding part. Totally defeats the purpose!