Friday, June 1, 2007

STOP HOLDING ME HOSTAGE!!!!
(I’m referring to the voices in my head again).



Wooooooo. It’s been crazy at work and then some these last couple of weeks. I haven’t had time to get on and post or even get on to read anyone else’s posts (except for a couple of my favs).

I know whine-whine-whine.
Life is good though! Really good! I have nothing to complain about! Can you believe it? Me not complaining about anything… I know, that’s rich! I find I’m not very funny when I’m not complaining. Then again maybe I’m the only person who thinks I’m funny when I’m droning on and on about something that no one really gives a damn about. Like right now.

Anyhow, I’ve been slacking on my posts so I’ve really got to dig down deep right now and find something to good to whine about. Something everyone can relate to and somehow make it funny. Hmmm…. Nope, I can’t do it. I’ve been in too good a mood lately! How abouts’we explore a bunch (well more like a couple) of silly things that roam around in my head instead? Seeing as I’ve been away for such a long time and I may be away for a few more days once again, I think I’ll just throw a bunch of stuff out here in one post. Sort of like going on vacation and leaving one of those automatic pet feeders for the…..well duh, the pets of course. Not that I’m referring to you as the pets mind you! Is this lazy of me? Too bad, it’s all I have right now. Look it’s almost 4 am over here, cut me some slack!

Okay, you twisted my arm. First I’ll start off with a little something to complain about of course. Gotta bait you with something funny right off the bat, correct?

Let’s start with something that bothers me beyond bothered. Today's Lyrics in most of the music my kids listen too! Geez I never thought I’d hear myself saying that! I loved music as a teen and still do, and when I go back and listen to what I used to listen to in the 80s I guess my parents may have been cringing too.
Most of todays songs are fouler than ever! I’m still very protective of my kids even though 1 is in college and the other 2 are in high school. It kills me when there are songs that are playing that warrant re-explaining the birds and the bees. I hate todays MTV which should be called Ho'TV, or Stripper TV. My girls think it’s funny to torture me by popping in a CD with this crap they know I hate to listen to in their presence.
So I’m thinking that if I call them on some of the stupid lyrics they’ll be embarrassed and will take out the cd never to be played in my car again. I say “hey what did he just say? The lyrics to this one song are actually“I said my n*ggas don’t dance we just pull up our pants, now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back”. Of course the N word is paused out of the song on the radio so to me it sounds like he’s saying; “my nuts don’t dance they just fill up my pants, now lean back, lean back ….” This other song that came out called "Party Like a Rock Star", I swear they are saying "Horny like a rock star". Eventually, I’ll embarrass the crap out of the girls and they won’t bother to play that garbage anymore. At least not around me! It’s bad enough most of the lyrics are just a 3 to 4 worded line repeated a bazillion times.
CRAP I TELL YOU! (Oh man, I sound stogedy!)

And now a little something I’m sure my kids will complain about.

Remember, complaining is funny right?

Is Ca-ca, poo-poo and pee-pee funny to you? Tickle any familiar funny bones?
Close your eyes and take yourself back to the ages between 4 and 21.
(Yesterday for some people).

The reason I bring this up is that when my kids were younger, and actually still to this day, instead of asking if I need any help cooking dinner, the first and only question is usually, “Mom, what’s for dinner?” Not “Hey mom, can I help you with dinner?” That one single question is basically an “all about them” question. ( I know I used to ask my parents the same thing and I’m sure my pre-hypocritical self didn’t offer to help either).

Throughout my poor kids entire lives I’ve always answered the question
“what’s for dinner?” with.. "Well, tonight we’re having Ca-ca, poo poo and pee pee babe”.
They used to reply with “Eeww MOOOM!” or Gross your sick! So what are we really having?”
and I would say “Are you complaining again? Because if you are, you won’t get any at all! Now go set the table and make sure there is a roll of toilet paper next to the salt and pepper.”

As the years rolled on they still ask the same question and I still say “we’re having caca poo poo and pee pee honey. Your favorite!”
Now they reply with “Yummy Mom, you’re the best! I call shot gun on the first helping!” It isn’t as fun as it used to be, now it’s just tradition. Isn’t that sweet?

I also had a nifty little trick to try and distract them whenever they got hurt.

You know, take the pain off of their minds.

Let me tell you there was a lot of getting hurt around our house with three kids and all.

I’m very clumsy myself and the apples do not fall far from the tree!

So when they came to me every other hour complaining that they got a booboo, "Mommy so and so poked my eye!!! I thought it was amusing to offer to poke their other eye to take their mind off the first eye :0) It always seemed to get a good laugh and distract them from the pain until I could blow in their eye or give them some ice or offer to scoop the injured eye ball out with a spoon or a fork. What? It worked! The crying instantly stopped and when I had to step out of the room or out of the apartment across the hall to the laundry room, I would tell them to behave and that I would know if they weren’t behaving because I was going to leave one of my eyeballs up high so I could watch them. They actually believed me because I would squint one eye closed after mocking removing it and placing it high on top of a cabinet.
Ahh the fun times we had. Their therapy bills are going to be through the roof when they get older. Well they can’t say I never gave them anything substantial, right? Just think of how funny they will be when they get older, what with all that they have to complain about! I provided that inspiration! I lovingly complain about them and they will in turn...…torture me when I get old and can’t wipe myself.
I can just hear them now… I’ll ask “what’s for dinner?” and they’ll say, I don’t know, whatcha got in your diaper Mom? Little snack pack?” I hope they don’t read this, I shouldn’t be giving them any ideas!
Okay, I’m beat and very punchy as if you couldn’t tell. I’m crashing now. I’ll be back with a post about how to tell long winded ear benders to step off, zip it, and shutty-uppy...but in a nice way.

I’m starving for attention so leave me some comments
telling me I didn’t gross you out too much.

66 comments:

Theresa said...

You're back! Now I'm off to read what you wrote.

Theresa said...

I am having major problems with my computer so I have no idea if this comment will actually get posted.

“my nuts don’t dance they just fill up my pants, now lean back, lean back ….” That is hilarious, if you sing that in front of you kids' friends I'm sure they'll never listen to music in your presence again. Then again, that may drive them away altogether.

I have to try the poke your eye thing too, mine are always whining about stuff like that. Poo and pee always get a reaction out of kids. Before, when I asked them what they did at school, they always answered "nothing". So I started answering with, "So you spent the entire day just sitting on the toilet, right?" That would get them to roll their eyes up, but they ended up telling me what they'd done.

Zoning Out Again said...

Oh theresa, I know! Nothing? You did nothing in school today?
Well I think I need to call the principal because that's the 4th day this week you've done nothing and school taxes just went up again! I work two jobs to pay for nothing... isn't that just peachy honey! Ya know I think we should keep you home and have grandpa home school you! What da ya think about that?

It's so good to know that I'm not the only one who get's those type of "Nothing" answers which translates to "I hate going to school, why do you want me to review it everyday? Wasn't 8 hours enough for me to endure? Let's just brush her off with nothing and maybe she'll go away".

Ahh it's good to be back and complaining! Thanks for letting me vent here! :0)

Captain Smack said...

If you want your kids to listen to different music, then just pretend that you really like the music they're listening to. Liking the same music your parents like is far more embarrassing to a kid than stupid lyrics.

Besides, almost all recent music has utterly retarded lyrics, and I don't think they have a lot of choice anyway.

Zoning Out Again said...

CAPPY~ Actually that won't work with my kids. They've always ended up listening to what I listen to.
A few years ago when rock had it's revival, I started listening to it after growing up on hip hop & R&B. I started off listening to Drowning Pool "Bodies" and all of those similar cool new bands that erupted on the scene. At 33 I went through a phase and ended up in a few mosh pits. I almost got crushed on the wall at a Rob Zombie concert.

Of course my teenage son thought I was insane. I bought an electric guitar and took lessons and oh how that changed his tune. He was used to listening to rap and thought I was going off the deep end as did the whole family, but after awhile they all started listening to it too and loved it. I bought my son his own axe and taught him a little bit of what I knew. He turned out to be pretty good.
So, great idea to try reverse psychology but it won't work with these guys because they actually think we're cool sometimes. Only because we're younger than a lot of their friend’s parents and most often their friends tell them they think we're cool. I'm sure we're missing out on some prime eyeball rolling, but it's all good! I'm still strict enough to pull off the whole parenting thing quite well we've been told. :0)

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