Tuesday, July 31, 2007


If I were one of the 7 dwarfes, I’d be sleepy. Sleepy, because my husband refuses to sleep quietly. Is it too much to ask that someone keep their snoring in check? I’m usually a very mild mannered person. Nothing really gets to me the way that most things get to other people. People like my mother-in-law whom I’m sure unknowingly eats a healthy dose of chef saliva every time she goes out to eat. I don’t even want to go down the list of things that bother my husband resulting in stark raving lunaticisms. Likewise if I were to go through a list of things that certain people in my office find themselves easily annoyed about, we’d be here all day.

So this snoring thing is out of control. I can usually sleep through anything. ANYTHING! Or if I’m awoken by accident, it’s all good, I can easily go back to sleep with no problem. Unlike other people I know, who once they get woken up, they make everyone in the house pay. I’m not just talking about my husband. I’ll have to tell you about the camping trip I took with my mother-in-law and her sisters and how we were all forced to go to bed like 8 year olds because my mother in law needs absolute deafening quiet when she sleeps. One minute she was instigating a balloon fight and as soon as she decided it was over, “it was over and why the hell weren’t we asleep already”. She can be quite scary when she gets annoyed. Even the crickets were terrified.

Anyhow, nothing fazes me when I sleep, EXCEPT for snoring.
There is something about it that just makes me want to take a pillow and snuff it right out. I’ve tried everything from poking a knee into my husbands back, to rolling him over myself. Once, I’m ashamed to say, that I even punched him. (not hard, because it didn’t wake him, but just enough to get him to shift positions so the snoring would stop). When he snores he’s always in a sound sleep, but one time I punched him (Oh I already said I only punched him once, maybe it was a couple of times) and he woke up and said geez why did you hit me?
I played it off and said, “Oh, sorry I must have been dreaming about toilet paper sandwiches.” “what? Oh your talking in your sleep too.”

So the snoring still continues from time to time and I just can’t sleep through it. I'm normally nice as pie. The phone can ring at any given time when I’m asleep, say around 3 am and I'll drag myself to the phone, wiping the drool off my chin, eyes all pasted together (isn’t that a lovely picture) and I'll answer the phone and pull off the “No, I wasn’t asleep, you aren’t bothering me at all” in a happy stepford wife tone. I’m not a grouchy sleeper.
......UNLESS there's some snoring going on.

It doesn’t have to be my husband who’s uvula I want to snip out of his throat with a pair of large toe nail clippers, in the middle of the night. It can be the dogs too. Once I slept in a room with 4 other adults who were all snoring. It was surround sound snoring at it’s best and I wanted to kill that night! KILL THEM ALL!

I know, it sounds really callous and evil of me, but I’m sure that there are many of you out there who share my pain. All the tossing and turning, and sighing and punching in the world doesn’t make it any better does it. There must be a support group out there. SAS? Spouses Against Snoring. Let me know if you come up with any ideas before I KILL someone.


Captain Smack said...

Ok - I haven't even read your post yet, but I'm going to comment anyway. I actually JUMPED when I saw your new header. That was freaky. I'm traumatized now. Images like that can be very unsettling for a person who's done as much acid as I have.

Oh, great. Now the walls are melting. Thanks.

Captain Smack said...

Ok. I came down from my flashback, and now I'm ready to talk about the topic at hand.

I basically see 3 options here. Actually, I see more than three, but I'm a little OCD about putting things in groups of 3, so that's all your getting.

1. Margaritas
Drink 6 to 8 of these before you go to sleep. An airplane full over snoring passengers could crash into your house, and you'd sleep right through it. This method works well for people without jobs, but if you do have a job, then it won't matter, because you probably won't have one for long. Once you lose your job, you will start losing hope, and then you will welcome the margaritas.

2. Start wetting the bed
It won't be pleasant, but eventually your husband will start sleeping on the couch. Problem solved, and you didn't have to do anything drastic, like get a divorce.

3. Get a divorce
He snores. What an inconsiderate bastard. What kind of man is so blatantly self-centered that he would lay there all night snoring, while you - who has done everything you could possibly do to keep this relationship alive - lay there, night after sleepless night, deprived of not just your rest, but your dreams. He is a monster. He doesn't deserve you. You can do better. Run away and find someone else, someone more deserving of all of the wonderful gifts you have to offer (not me, though, I snore too).

Zoning Out Again said...

Yes, I'm working on making the header smaller and not so scary in your face. :0D

Out of the 3 you mentioned I've attempted 2. I haven't tried wetting the bed yet so that might actually work. I didn't mention how he hogs the entire bed did I? Sleeps in the shape of an X, the greedy bastard! Hmmm, a little pee and he's outta there eh? I'll let you know how that turns out!

Cunning Linguist said...

I'll go the other three for the good captain...

1) Tell him you just felt something crawl towards his side and then he'll be up half the night waiting for the little bugger. You can rest peacefully now. Note : only good occassionally.

2) Tell him the next time he snores you're taking your panties off and shoving them in his mouth. Note : may work against you. You are left without the "no sex while sleeping, please" barrier.

3) Mention Lorena Bobbit was just misunderstood then role over. Note : works every damn time and keeps him awake for the whole night. Could be bad if you actually need to have a knife around the house though because they'll all dissapear in strange fashion.

Just a side note.... I am that one who is more deserving and does not sleep. Just don't pee on me for no reason though. That wouldn't be nice.

Cunning Linguist said...

does not snore... thought typo. Sorry.

Not sleeping would just be plain freaky, wouldn't it? 'nuff said.

Zoning Out Again said...

Great! I've got some great things to try thanks to you can Cappy!
1. I'll try the peeing thing first because that sounds fun. Then if that doesn't work, I'll take it a step further. Poop should definitely get him out of the bed dont'cha think?
2. Then I'll try the panties, only I'll steal a pair from his brothers dirty laundry the next time we visit him. I won't threaten my husband that I'm going to do it though, that would just take all of the fun out of it.

3. Last I'll try the bug thing.
I think I'll just dump a whole bunch of bugs in his open mouth while he's snoring and then I'll sleep on the couch for weeks!

{I'll save going Lorena Bobbit on him for a rainy day}.

YES! You guys and your great ideas! What would I do with out you??????? I'm going to go now so I can drink a ton of water! :0)

Thoughts of a Diva said...

When I was just dating my now husband, I had went up to his house to stay the weekend.

Due to the window rattlin' snoring going on in that house, mixed with the non-stop howling and barking of his dogs... I gave up!

On a cold December night, I found a blanket and my shoes, went out to my car, fired it up, cranked the heat and fell asleep.

Thoughts of a Diva said...

You inspired me to vent my own frustations...


Or not. It might just be my man snoring as he sleeps. I was blog browsing today when I came upon a blog by Zoning Out Again - Can A Uvuvla Be Cut Out While Someone Sleeps? and it brought back memories of nights that border on semi-insanity.

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